Let’s face the obvious universal fact…middle school is hard. For those who can’t relate, great for you. For most of us, a smidge of a not quite extinct stomachache rumbles each time the words “middle” and “school” are used in conjunction. But we’re all grown up, as Moms and Dads we’re living proof that our middle schooler will be okay (I know, that nagging, But times have changed voice, I heard it too).
To survive such awkward times, we employed a daily litany of survival tactics,
some respectable, others not so much. So, as parents, we should just sit back and let our kids take it out as it comes; deep inside we know that’s the only way. (There is goes again, that voice, Times sure have changed). Which brings us to the beginning, middle school is hard.
So, if like me, you’re not ready for the old “let ‘em sink or swim” approach, there is something we can do to ease the pain and illuminate the impending excitement.
Let us begin with the biggie, fitting in!
Those who don’t care if they “fit in”, “fit in” best. But how do we get there?
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That first day, nerve ridden trek into that noisy, bustling, often overcrowded cafeteria is enough to send the healthiest kid to the nurse’s office. For me, the distress call for mom to pick me up was never met with the desired response, so it was a bag of ice (my school nurse’s cure-all) and back into the arena. In many ways the cafeteria embodies the entire middle school experience, it's the grand meeting hall. A topsy turvy sea of kids churning through all different stages of growth, maturity, confidence, academic prowess, hormones... If your middle schooler can make it there, they’ll make it anywhere. This is their “Big Apple”.
Hopefully scanning over the top of that flimsy Styrofoam tray for a familiar face from elementary school yields some favorable results. Temporary we know, but we’ll take anything on day one.
As a teacher, my classroom serves as a temporary shelter for those seeking refuge from the deafening noise and confusion of the cafeteria scene. For these few, I share the solitude and predictability of my classroom at lunchtime. Like all good deals, I do so for a limited time only. I’m always aware of the ultimate truth, they need opportunities to “work it out”. I can only play the part of an enabler for so long; I owe them the chance to strut their stuff to the masses, to find their place.
All can find their place. To do so, we parents must show them how to look within. And when they do, have we given them the proper lens to bring all that greatness into focus? When our kids view themselves and smile, that’s called confidence.
Building your child’s confidence gives them the key that will drive them through, middle school…life, for that matter. Confidence is a shield that counters all that is negative. Pour on the praise, genuine praise (They know when it’s not the real deal). Open up an account in their personal praise bank, and let them start their life savings (it could be a lifesaver). When they do something well, tell them. Provide detail about why that something was so wonderful. Getting them involved in sports, clubs, camps, or any activity (group or individual) provides numerous opportunities to earn reasons for praise. A willingness to participate and step out there, in of itself is praiseworthy. After a time, you will rely on these experiences to get to the next level. “Remember what it was like when you first began dance class?” or “You could hardly even throw the football when you first started…” or “Look at how smooth your reading has gotten!” Each can be met with the same conclusion, “Well, look at you now!” Success is secured if we can encourage that thought to radiate from within, “Well look at ME now!” Words of praise form a much-needed layer of a confident, “can do” spirit. Confidence in self is the first and final step in not caring rather we “fit in” or not, therefore fitting in.
In this modern Age of Praise, everybody wins. We must be certain that the acclaim we lay on is genuine. Don’t forget by middle school these young scholars have already graduated at least twice, but sitting at that ceremony in that unforgiving blue plastic chair, you and I knew that some of those color copy certificates were in the wrong hands. Even at five years, our kiddos were fully aware that “So And So” definitely had no business “Moving On” to anywhere. Our children learn early that, in today’s society, it’s really hard to find failure. A least for a while.
Our kids deserve to feel that they stand out and belong in some distinguished category. It seems, now more than ever, it’s up to us to bestow this feeling upon them in a more genuine form. We all agree it still feels pretty darn good to stand above the rest, even more so when we believe that the honor isn’t one size fits all.
Let them in on your past failures. As a Dad, I love tooting my own horn, “When I was young, I did this and when I was your age I was doing that!” All well and good, but I find when I share my fears and my failures, the ears perk up a few degrees more. My own sons love to laugh at dear old Dad, as much as my students love to laugh at just plain old Mr. Ransom. They don’t even realize that I’m crazy like a fox. The questions soon follow, “You were that scared of roller coasters, Dad?”(Yip, and still am petrified!) or “Did you really cry when you didn’t make the team, Daddy?” (The answer is yes, by the way). By sharing my lowlights, my boys (and students) get the feeling that they’re not alone in some of their less than heroic moments. Ultimately, they learn that we all must rise, endure and overcome. More experience for them to stash in that bank of praise for a rainy day. Be sure to keep the deposits into the praise bank coming. In this bank business, there are no bailouts; it’s all on us.
Let them hear about the many things they do right, even when they’ve done wrong. Confidence, like most things at this stage of the game, is fragile. We can keep it intact and even build it, but take great care, this is the age where: “Everyone is looking…” and “Everybody else's parents let them…” They don’t know yet that most people miss most things.
It takes time to build confidence, so be patient and you’ll enjoy the bloom that much more. Not to get too scientific (because I can’t) but the middle school brain is going through the most dramatic growth since the baby days (Oh, I can still see the folds in those chubby baby thighs!). Tolerance and patience will be critical.
Praise their successes and they’ll find that niche, a place where fitting in just isn’t such a big deal anymore.
Alas, when you’ve got them falling in love themselves, the great and not so great, let them in on the newish study that finds “cool kids” statistically don’t make it. I am not so sure why this 2014 study gives me such pleasure to report, but it does.